Here are 8 things your cat would say if it could talk to you.

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1. You do look overweight in those pants. But “Biscuits” with full bellies are the best.

You ask your significant other, “Do these trousers make my butt seem big?” as you tug on a pair of jeans from the year before and slowly zip them up. But I can’t fool myself or the mirror, sista. Those stitches are going to burst under your weight.

Call it plump or fluffy; it doesn’t matter. I tell it as it is without sugarcoating anything. There’ll be no passing of judgment between us pals. (All right, maybe a bit.)   Better “biscuits” come from chubby stomachs. It looks delicious, and I can almost feel my paws kneading your tubby gut.

2. People Skills Are So Overrated. You are aware of that.

It’s not like anyone ever accused a cat of being a team player, and everyone who owns a cat knows that “people skills” are overrated. When their owners arrive home, dogs always rush to the door to greet them. They have to deal with the ridiculousness of humans at every turn, from playing fetch and being leashed to following commands and donning holiday costumes.

Not the case with cats. We are the prima donnas, the lone wolves, the monarchs, and the aristocrats of the animal kingdom. All of us are in this position of, “Honk if you love me, b*tches.”

Cats don’t follow commands; we do. We’ll let you know if there’s something we don’t like. If we suspect you have guests, we can go full Greta Garbo on you in a flash—unless, of course, there’s a cat hater among them. That is our request for action. To witness their wriggling, we’ll sit on their lap.

Confess it. Something dark and sinister resides inside you, and it understands and respects the subtleties that make us who we are as a people and as a race. That’s what makes us so compatible, my friend.

3. If it’s between close pals, then what’s a little pee between them?

Even cats know that when a lot of things change at once, it’s easy to lose your cool and start staking your territory. We, humans, are creatures of habit, thus we urinate occasionally. Contrary to expectations; outside the box. On top of the heap of soiled clothing that’s been left on the floor. (Hadn’t someone already told you to grab it?) Where the bathroom rug is. alternatively, up against a wall.

Your trip to the vet to rule out serious conditions like a urinary tract infection was really thoughtful, but we think the best course of action at this point is for us to just take some OdoBan and move on. Seriously. When you’re hanging out with your pals, a little urine is nothing to worry about. In addition, please cease making adjustments.

4. The Internet is Totally Ruled by Cats.

We cats have the internet by the scruff of our neck, whether it be in the medium of a beautiful cat video, a hilarious meme, or some kitten eye candy. Not once will we ever call on you to join us outside for a game of Frisbee. You may stay on your sofa until it’s time to feed us, and even then, it’s not necessary. Instead, we want you to “like,” “share,” and generally gawk at us online with a grin on your face.

Scientists have theorized that cats’ similarities to human children are to blame for people’s insatiable curiosity for them. The structure of our brains, the size of our eyes, and the size of our noses all contribute to an innate need to care for others. 1 (Have you noticed that females overwhelmingly enjoy the company of felines?)

Be careful not to spend too much time online that you forget about your own four-legged miracles. Photos are great, but nothing beats petting the fluffy underside of a beloved cat. Just make sure you caught the moment on camera before Kitty decides she’s had enough cuddling and nips your hand.

5. I do indeed follow you into the restroom, and not without good cause.

Do you want to know why I tag along when you go to the potty?

Evidently, you are aware of my whereabouts. I wave it around, hit the ground with it, and bristle it as a symbol of defiance or warning. It’s impossible to conceal the significance of this means of communication.

But how about you? Putting your tail on backward is confusing me. (And a number of you appear to go to great lengths to conceal yours.) For us felines, this is one of the greatest mysteries in the universe.

6. There are moments when I, too, think you should get out more.

I understand that we’re close friends, cuddle bunny bedmates, and even lunch pals. We spend a lot of time together, and I like it as well.

But on occasion, even I think you should broaden your perspective. Go outside more. Meet more sociable people. Possibly only one? (And please don’t claim that you’ve never heard of this.)

7. I am more attractive and intelligent than the average fifth-grader.

Truth be told. To put it simply, cats are fantastic due to their superhuman skills. We can:

  • Ultrasound2 hearing
  • Ultraviolet3 vision
  • Fit through restricted spaces, and:
  • Let’s face it, we are intelligent.

There has been fruitless research on the feline mind. By refusing to participate in their inane experiments, we foil their weak attempts to learn more about us. 4 (Can you believe it?) For the sake of argument, let’s pretend that cats are more intelligent and attractive than the average fifth-grader.

8. No matter how old you are, a cardboard box can provide hours of fun.

You’ve just given your cat hours, if not days, of entertainment and comfort just by giving it a cardboard box. Maintaining a cat’s interest doesn’t take much effort.

Instead of buying Kitty a bunch of expensive toys and gizmos, why not have some cardboard boxes around of varying sizes to play with instead? Buy some catnip, some ping pong balls, and a water fountain with flowing water. What makes her happy? She’ll tell you!

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